The Super Bowl
Yesterday was the Super Bowl. I kept switching over to ABC, hoping to find a commercial, but kept landing on the game instead. I do not care about football. I do not care about boys in the rain who like to run into each other and toss around a ball that resembles a small turd. I did, however, like the part where the coaches got giant coolers of icy drinks dumped on their heads. I noticed one got water and the other got some sort of McDonalds orange drink. I think if I were getting something poured on me, I would like it to be liquid gold. Then the gold would harden and I would turn myself in for cash. What a shiny, golden, statuesque, female Super Bowl coach I would be. And then I could make a big speech about how I was the first golden coach in the history of football to ever win the Super Bowl. It would be a big step for my people, my golden people, who have never won such a thing before.
I also think that if I were going to have a game where boys were tumbling around all over each other, just running into each other and falling on each other, I wouldn't call it the Super Bowl. I would call it the Gayish Convention of Man Collision & Turd Toss. That's the GCMCTT, for short.
While I have you, please take note of this most impressive post, because I guarantee you that it is the only sports-related post you will ever read from this blogger. You should print it out right this very minute. Print it out and write "Sports" at the top of it in brown marker and then draw little football turds on either side of that. Then go to Target and buy a golden frame with non-glare glass and diamond studs in the corners. Frame my post, and hang it in a prominant place in your home. Then go to Home Depot and buy a spotlight, install it above my post, and direct the beam directly on the non-glare glass containing this sports post. After you've cleaned up from that, put an ad in the paper letting people know that they can come to your home to view my post. When the line begins to form, make sure you have refreshments ready for the early-birds who have camped out all night just to be first. Make something like cookies with cranberry and white chocolate, that sounds good. Or maybe some sort of flaming dessert. You know what to do. Charge the people $13.95 for admission. Once the last admirer has left, gather all the money, put it in an envelope and write "Sports Post Reward Money" on the outside. Then send it directly to my home. I accept cashier's checks only. Thanks.
I also think that if I were going to have a game where boys were tumbling around all over each other, just running into each other and falling on each other, I wouldn't call it the Super Bowl. I would call it the Gayish Convention of Man Collision & Turd Toss. That's the GCMCTT, for short.
While I have you, please take note of this most impressive post, because I guarantee you that it is the only sports-related post you will ever read from this blogger. You should print it out right this very minute. Print it out and write "Sports" at the top of it in brown marker and then draw little football turds on either side of that. Then go to Target and buy a golden frame with non-glare glass and diamond studs in the corners. Frame my post, and hang it in a prominant place in your home. Then go to Home Depot and buy a spotlight, install it above my post, and direct the beam directly on the non-glare glass containing this sports post. After you've cleaned up from that, put an ad in the paper letting people know that they can come to your home to view my post. When the line begins to form, make sure you have refreshments ready for the early-birds who have camped out all night just to be first. Make something like cookies with cranberry and white chocolate, that sounds good. Or maybe some sort of flaming dessert. You know what to do. Charge the people $13.95 for admission. Once the last admirer has left, gather all the money, put it in an envelope and write "Sports Post Reward Money" on the outside. Then send it directly to my home. I accept cashier's checks only. Thanks.
posted by pagereader at 3:53 PM
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